******************************************************************************
WARNING!!  This FAQ contains references and excerpts from a video game of a
rather perverted nature.  You'll find plenty of references to sex, bodily
functions, patriotism, worship of inanimate objects, D&D, and other stuff of
a non-PC nature.  You'll find no links to pictures here, though, and I won't
give them no matter how much you ask.  There's also lots of bad language,
here.  READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
******************************************************************************
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude (PC Version)
A Conversation Script by CyricZ
Version 1.1
E-mail: cyricz42 at yahoo.com
******************************************************************************
Table of Contents
1. Introduction
2. FAQ
3. Analisa
3A. Chat 1
3B. Chat 2
3C. Chat 3
4. Barbara Jo
4A. Chat 1
4B. Chat 2
4C. Chat 3
5. Beatrice
5A. Chat 1
5B. Chat 2
5C. Chat 3
6. Bilzarbra
6A. Chat 1
6B. Chat 2
6C. Chat 3
7. Charlotte
7A. Chat 1
7B. Chat 2
7C. Chat 3
8. Harriet
8A. Chat 1
8B. Chat 2
8C. Chat 3
9. Ione
9A. Chat 1
9B. Chat 2
9C. Chat 3
10. Ione(L)
10A. Chat 1
10B. Chat 2
10C. Chat 3
11. Koko
11A. Chat 1
11B. Chat 2
11C. Chat 3
12. Luba
12A. Chat 1
12B. Chat 2
12C. Chat 3
13. Morgan
13A. Chat 1
13B. Chat 2
13C. Chat 3
14. Sally Mae
14A. Chat 1
14B. Chat 2
14C. Chat 3
15. Suzi
15A. Chat 1
15B. Chat 2
15C. Chat 3
16. Tilly
16A. Chat 1
16B. Chat 2
16C. Chat 3
17. Zanna
17A. Chat 1
17B. Chat 2
17C. Chat 3
18. Extra Conversations
18A. Sweet Lou Chat
18B. Swingles Chat
18C. Uma Chat
19. Standard Guide Stuff
19A. Legal
19B. E-mail Guidelines
19C. Credits
19D. Version Updates
19E. The Final Word
******************************************************************************
1. INTRODUCTION
******************************************************************************
Hi, and welcome to my little transcription of all the conversations in
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude (aka "the best part").  During the chat
mini-games, most of the characters have a set script, but Larry has the
potential to say one of three different things, and some of them can get
pretty funny, so here's all possibilities!
******************************************************************************
2. FAQ
******************************************************************************
Q: What is Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude?
A: This is the newest in the series of the same name, published by Sierra and
Vivendi Universal, and developed by High Voltage Studios.
Q: What is the rating of this game?
A: This game is rated M for Mature.  The game also has the taglines of:
Mature Humor, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Alcohol, and
Nudity.  More specifically, the language goes all the way up to the f-word,
and has many sexual references.  The nudity is mostly topless.  Any bottom
nudity (in the American version) is obscured by censor bars.  There's also
bodily functions involved.
Q: Is the humor in this game like the older games?
A: Quite so.  In fact, in our depraved 2000's world of South Park, The Man
Show, and other such forms of media, the humor has been updated to
accommodate our less strict society.
Q: Is the gameplay in this game like the older games?
A: Not really.  While Larry is required to wander around campus to search for
what he's supposed to do, much of the actual "doing" is involved in little
mini-games.  There are only several mini-games, but lots of chances to play,
so you'll find yourself playing the same mini-games several times a game.
Q: Can I ask you a question on how to beat the game?
A: I suppose.  I'm not the particularly perfect source of help, though.
Q: Can you send me dirty pictures of the game?
A: No.  Work for them yourself.
******************************************************************************
3. ANALISA
******************************************************************************
This Italian chicky has a wild body, and a mouth to match.  She's got a
rather dominating father, though, and he's got plenty of "friends" in the
Sanitation business...
============
3A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Analisa outside the frat house.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Buenas noches, bombero!  Para baila la bamba se necesito una
poca de gracia!
*Red Sombrero* Oy!  Mi abolita!  Feliz Navidad!  Prospero ano nuevo y
felicidad!
*Red Sombrero* Calchones!  El gato y el perro en mi casa!
Analisa: Hey Fuck-o!  I ain't Mexican, you prick!  I'm Italian.
Larry:
*Red Hot Dog* Ah, ya hungry?  I got a nine-inch manicotti in my pants!
*Green Smiley* Well, my family's from the Faulkland Islands.  My grandpa...
accidentally started that war, and that's why my family's here, now.
*Red Note* Sooo...  You like Color Me Badd?
(Analisa's phone rings.)
Analisa: Hold on a sec... (into phone)  Will you shut your fuckin' mouth?
Yeah?  Go where?  Well, I say I ain't comin' unless I feel like it.  All
right all right, I got that thing.  I got it.  What?  Ungrateful fuck, I
oughtta break your fuckin' legs!  (hangs up)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Was that your parole officer?
*Red Money* Was that your bookie?
*Green Smiley* Who was that?
Analisa: My ma...  She wants me to come home this weekend so we can all go to
a "Sanitation Workers' Awards Dinner".  They're givin' my pop somethin',
I dunno.  Christ, I hate that shit...
Larry:
*Red Frown* You think they're finally gonna give a Sanitation Award to Roy
Drusky?  I mean, the guy's been nominated seven times!  Anyway, you gotta
hear this...
*Red Frown* I've always found the Sanitation Workers to be a warm, festive
people, but listen to this...
*Green Smiley* I know, I know, tell me about it...
*Red Japan* Last year, my dad and Yokozuna lost to the Natural Disasters at
Summer Slam!
*Red Frown* (sigh) Last summer I had to fly down to Baton Rouge to get
honored by Chef Paul Prudhomme as "Amateur Cajun Chef of the Year".
*Green Smiley* I had to go home last year to watch my dad get inaugurated
president of the Mr. Belvedere Fan Club.
*Red Frown* They even televised it!
*Green Smiley* Talk about embarrassing!
*Red Frown* At one point, my dad jumped into the audience and put me in a
figure-four leglock!
Analisa: Ha...  Man oh man.  That's sound fuckin' boring.  Ya got me beat.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Anyway, the important thing is that you don't let him get
under your skin.
*Red Note* Anyways, the important thing is to never leave home without your
magic flute.
*Red Frown* Anyways, the important thing is to never go swimming without a
buddy.
*Green Smiley* But I'm sure it's pretty easy for such a...
*Red Flag* But if anyone can pass that Transsexual Rights bill through the
Senate, it's a...
*Red Frown* But, believe me, that International Arm-Wrestling Title is yours.
Nobody can beat a...
*Green Smiley* ...strong, sophisticated woman like yourself!
*Red Pirate Hat* ...swarthy sea-faring fella like yourself!
*Red Frown* ...truck-drivin sonofagun like yourself!
Analisa: Don't I know it...  Ma calls me three times a day!  She wants to
know everything!  Where I've been, who I'm with, am I being tailed?
Drives me nuts!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Ha!  You should hear the questions when I go home!
*Red Lips* So, I'm filling out the Cosmo Relationship Survey and every other
question's like:
*Red Frown* So, I get arrested for illicit lewd behavior, and the cops are
interrogating me, and they're like:
*Red Boobs* "When are you gonna stop breastfeeding?"
*Red Frown* "When is National Butter Crunch Day?"
*Green Smiley* "When are you gonna graduate?"
*Red Dildo* "Who put the strap-on dildo on the police chief's pet eagle?"
*Red Bread* "Who ate my roast beef sandwich?"
*Green Smiley* "Who stole all your mother's bras?"
*Red Brain* "What is the molecular weight of barium?"
*Red Frown* "Jordanus Memanarius wrote "Mechanica" in what year?"
*Green Smiley* "What is this charge to 1-900-SENIOR-SLUTS on the phone
bill?  How did you DIAL 1-900-SENIOR-SLUTS, it has too many digits!"
*Red Frown* They treat me like a baby!
*Red Hick Face* And I don't know any of the answers!
*Green Smiley* It never ends!
Analisa: Ya tellin' me!  My pop's either out all night on business or in
Atlantic City with clients, so Ma has like, nothin' else to do but obsess
on me.  It's like the fuckin'... French Inquisition when I'm home!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Now, I'll never have children due to state-enforced
sterilization...
*Green Smiley* (sigh) That's a shame.  It's none of my business...
*Red Frown* Now, I'm not a father myself, that I know of...
*Red Frown* ...but, if I had a daugher as foul-mouthed as you...
*Green Smiley* ...but, if I had a daughter as smart and as pretty as you...
*Red Boobs* ...but, if I had a daughter as curvy and voluptuous as you...
*Red Frown* I'd buy her a pony...
*Green Smiley* I'd spend every spare minute I could letting her know how
important she was to me...
*Red NO Sign* I'd get champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, and get a
room at the In-Out Inn and...
Analisa: Wow...  That's, like, real sweet o' you to say that...  You're an
all right guy.  I was thinkin'...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* There are a lot of whores in Atlantic City, aren't there?
Boy, a man could have a different woman every night for a year!
*Red Frown* Atlantic City has a rather extensive directory of private escorts,
don't they?  If you settle for the ugly ones, it's only, like, sixty-five
bucks!
*Red Frown* They got that "Tattletales" nudie bar in Atlantic City, don't
they?  I hear that place is the gilded palace of sin...
*Green Smiley* But, I didn't mean to imply that your dad pays for
prostitutes...
*Red Frown* Don't get me wrong!  I'm not saying your dad's heading up there
to get handjobs or anything...
*Red Japan* And I'm not saying that sometimes your dad likes to mix it up and
hire an Asian male prostitute...
*Red Money* But I gotta admit, if I had the cash, I'd be there allll the
time!
*Red Frown* But, hell, if he is, can ya blame the guy?
*Green Smiley* It's just they're very... popular... that's all...
Analisa:
*Success* Exactly!  See, I don't have ta tell you these things, you know 'em
already.  You know the way my pop is!  You read right through me!  Let's go
for drinks.  Maybe play some Quarters?  I'm payin'.  On me!
*Failure 1* All right, do me a favor and get the fuck outta my face, all
right?
*Failure 2* Uh, yeah...  Look, I'm gonna go join my girlfriends.  See ya
'round...
============
3B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry finds Analisa in the frat.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey! Anal-lisa!
*Red Butt* Analeeter!  What's the good word?
*Red Frown* Steve!  What's up my man?
Analisa: It's Analisa, you cocksucker!  Ana...lisa!  It's Italian?  Ugh.
Anyway, I was still feelin' guilty, y'know, about uh, not goin' home this
weekend...
Larry:
*Red Drunk Face* I was once an alcoholic, myself, so I'm speaking from
personal experience...
*Green Smiley* Still?  Listen, you gotta take my advice...
*Red Frown* Now, I'm a trained guidance counselor so listen up...
*Red Butt* If you show up naked to your grandma's funeral just once, your
family will never talk to you again!
*Green Smiley* Let it go man!  If your parents can't deal with it, screw 'em!
*Red Flag* Never order transsexual strippers to a Daughters of the American
Revolution Chapter Fundraiser.
Analisa: Trust me, I wish it were that simple.  I ain't gotta family you can
just, uh, walk away from?  I think you know what I mean...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh yeah, I getcha.  The Quakers...
*Red Frown* Oh yeah, I getcha.  Armenians...
*Green Smiley* Oh yeah, I getcha.  The Amish...
*Red Frown* People may laugh at your strange foreign customs, but, I find them
charming and quaint!
*Green Smiley* You should be proud of yourself!
*Red Frown* If that's what you are, that's okay!
*Red Frown* You guys invented the cotton gin, the printing press, and bananas,
and flying cars and--
*Red Frown* I can teach you how to use an electric can-opener, and you'll
find you can go to a store and buy butter, you don't have to churn it
yourself, and--
*Green Smiley* It's great you're using telephones, and you flung aside those
constricting bonnets and aprons, settling on a more--
Analisa: What?!  You gotta fuckin' canoli in your ear?  How many times I gotta
tell ya?  I'm Italian!  I-talian!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yeah, yeah, Mongolian.  I get it.
*Red Frown* Don't interrupt me again!  Anyway...
*Green Smiley* Okay all right whatever.  Check this out...
*Red Can* So, my parents went away for a weekend last summer, and the
babysitter goes out to the store to pick up some canned ravioli.
*Red Scorpion* So, last summer, my parents left me alone in the house for
the day.  Of course, they didn't tell me they were having the house
fumigated for scorpions...
*Green Smiley* So, I'm home last summer, my parents were gone for the
weekend, and I was looking after the house.
*Red Wang* So I'm sitting in the kitchen buck-naked with the Yellow Pages, and
I'm, uh, gettin' in touch with my manhood, and I pop my cookies all over the
escort pages!
*Green Smiley* So I'm leafing through the Yellow Pages, I was eating
brownies, and I'm trying to find the number for a good, uh, state appraiser,
and I accidentally get chocolate on the escort pages!  And I start freakin'
out, right?
*Red Drunk Face* So I called this prostitute up and she comes over and she's
schnookered.  Side-sippin' a bottle of Mad Dog, y'know?  She's tryin' to up
her price, so I grab the phone book, and turn to her ad in the escort pages,
and she pukes all over it!
*Red Frown* So I'm scrubbing furiously with Pine-Sol and warm water, but I
end up smudging all the ink.
*Green Smiley* So, I get some paper towels, and I start trying to wipe off
the pages, but I just ended up smudging all the ink.
*Red Frown* So, I toss it in the dishwasher, threw it on the rinse cycle, and
I ended up smudging all the ink...
Analisa: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great.  Is this goin' somewhere?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Yeah, so like two months later, my dad comes up to me and he's
like, "Do you have any idea who smudged up the escort pages?"
*Red Frown* Yeah, so like two months later, I caught my dad under a bridge
with a seven-foot-tall transvestite, and he's like, "You see what I've been
reduced to?  What the hell happened to the escort pages?"
*Red Frown* Yeah, so like two months later, I'm at my grandpa's retirement
dinner, and my dad's pointin' fingers at everybody askin' "Who ruined my
escort pages?"
*Red Frown* Then I'm like, "Ever since you re-hid your back issues of Jugs,
it's the only thing around here I can masturbate to.  Why are YOU askin'?"
*Red Frown* Then I'm like, "Me?  I was ordering up a hooker!  What's your
excuse?"
*Green Smiley* And then I'm like, "Why were you looking at the escort pages?"
Analisa: What'd he say?
Larry:
*Red Cheese* And he says, "I was looking for a whore, Larry!  I'm tired of
looking at your mother's big ass and cottage cheese thighs!"
*Green Smiley* He says, "I was looking for a whore, Larry!  Have you seen
your mother, lately?"
*Red Frown* He says, "I was looking for a whore, Larry!  Lately, your mom's
been too busy eatin' bon-bons to clean out my rope!"
*Red Flag* I told my grandpa about it, but he just told me some story about
the time he got arrested for rubbing up against Calvin Coolidge.
*Green Smiley* After that, we didn't make eye contact for a few days!  We
didn't speak for like three weeks!
*Red Frown* I brought it up at my Gamblers' Anonymous Meeting and my sponsor
asked me, "What the hell does that have to do with gambling?"  Then he threw
a poker chip at me and hit me in the eye!
Analisa: Whores...  Your pop, too, eh?  Then, you spit in his face.  Right in
his face.  Agh, what a pair of gagoozies on this kid, eh?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, man, when I'm home, anything goes!  I order a pizza, get
this, with hamburger on it!
*Red Frown* Oh, man, when I'm home, the place turns into a madhouse!  I pig
out on Fun-yuns!
*Red Frown* Oh, man, when I'm home it's crazy.  I'll wear one of those fake
arrows through my head.
*Red Frown* I'm watching Emanuelle movies on late night cable.
*Green Smiley* I'm crankin' Bel Biv Davoe until 11:30 at night.
*Red Frown* I taught my cat to tell my dad to go to Hell.
*Red Note* I made some bleachers out of popsicle sticks, and set up all my
action figures together, and I'd pretend I was the keyboardist from Manfred
Mann's Earth Band!  And I had a big arena concert in my room!
*Red Frown* I put some food dye in the milk, and my mom's like, "Why's the
milk blue?" and I told her Papa Smurf peed in it!  Heheheh!
*Green Smiley* I put a pair of sunglasses on my dog, and he's runnin' around
the house, and my mom's like "Why's the dog wearin' a pair of sunglasses?"
Analisa: Whoa... What a pack o' zingys!  You doin' all this at your parents'
house?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Actually, I set up a pup-tent in the backyard, and took my
boombox out there, woke up my dad and he ran out there, and kicked the tent
down.  He was real mad!
*Red Balls* Not exactly.  I got locked in one night at Discovery Zone.  It was
cool, though.  I slept in the ball pit.  When I came home the next morning,
my dad was really mad when he saw me.  He thought I'd finally moved out of
the house!
*Red Frown* No, I was talkin' about my dorm room.  My parents have the phone
number, here.  My dad calls and checks up on me every six months.
Analisa: That fuckin' prick.  That's what I'm talkin' about.  You try to have
a good time, and they kick your pup-tent down...
*Green Smiley* Listen, forget about going home.
*Red Frown* You gotta let 'em know who's boss!
*Red Frown* You gotta take them down with cunning quickness and strategy!
*Green Smiley* Next time your mom calls, let it ring!
*Red Frown* Next time you do the wild thing with some guy, imagine it's me!
*Red Explosion* Next time your mom gives you attitude, you give her the
Crippler Cross-Face into the Figure-Four, and have her beg for mercy!
Analisa:
*Success* Ehh... what the hell.  Sure.  Everyone's always kissin' my pop's
ass back in the neighborhood.  'Bout time somebody told him "no".
*Failure 1* Thanks, but this is a family thing, y'know?  No outsiders.  See
ya around.
*Failure 2* Yeah, uh, look.  Thanks for the advice.  This is something I gotta
deal with on my own, y'know?
============
3C. Chat 3 =
============
(Larry and Analisa chat by the trampoline.  Analisa's phone rings.)
Analisa (into phone): Yeah, what is it?  (sugar coating) Ohhhh... Hi, Daddy!
Mmm hmm!  (puts hand on phone) It's my father.  He wants me to come home for
the weekend.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Okay.  You tell him you're sticking around this weekend,
'cause you got a hot date!
*Red Frown* All right.  Tell him you're going pheasant hunting this weekend!
*Red Money* Now, calm down.  Explain to him that you're planning on a high
society jewel heist this weekend.
Analisa: Yeah, yeah, I don't think I can do that.  Pop here ain't used to
people talkin' to him like that, and uh...  Who am I going this weekend
with?
Larry:
*Red Frown* With AJ from Backstreet!  Ohhh...  He's the best one!
*Green Smiley* Uh, me?  You gotta date with me!
*Red Frown* With Jeff Goldblum...  He's dated everybody.
Analisa: Ayyy, come on here.  He knows I got standards.  I ain't datin' no
ugly guys.
Larry:
*Red Frown* All right.  First, if you have a burning sensation when you
urinate, it's best to see a doctor immediately.
*Red Cheese* All right.  First, Miermot Cheese is just an advertising
gimmick...
*Green Smiley* All right.  First, don't panic.
*Red Hick Face* Second, REO Speedwagon has gotten an unfair bad rap from
critics over the years.
*Green Smiley* Second, ugly guys try harder, okay?
*Red Shocked Face* Second, never try to eat a live water moccasin, even on a
dare.
*Red Butt* And third, never give a prostitute a blank check!
*Red Frown* And third, in spite of its apparent popularity, licorice tastes
like an old dirty butt!
*Green Smiley* And third, just lie to him, he's not gonna know the
difference.
Analisa: Listen, I can't leave the man on hold here.  I gotta tell him
something!
Larry:
*Red Angry Face* Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Just give me the phone already.
*Red Frown* Gimme the phone.  I'll hit him with a little street knowledge.
*Green Smiley* Here, hand me the phone.  I think I can handle this.
Analisa: All right, but you listen good.  Don't go breakin' balls, or he'll
have yours bronzed up on his mantle.
Larry (into phone):
*Green Smiley* Yes, this is Assistant Dean Abrahamson, calling on behalf of
Walnut Log Community College.
*Red Hick Face* Yeah, hey.  This is Larry, Larry Lovage...
*Red Can* Hello, sir.  I'm Russell calling from Norcom Technologies.
*Red Money* I'm calling to tell you you may be eligible for our fifty million
dollar grand prize!  I'm just going to need your name, credit card number,
and birthdate!
*Red Frown* Now, look.  I don't know how you got this number, but would you
please not call here again, oh, and if you could, take us off your phone
list.
*Green Smiley* I'm afraid Analisa's going to be busy tonight, so she'll have
to take a raincheck on coming home this weekend.  Capisce?
(Daddy makes noises from the other end.)
Larry (into phone):
*Red Frown* Well, if you don't like Chinese cuisine, I could also suggest...
*Green Smiley* Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, sir.  Can I suggest, maybe,
I dunno...
*Red Angry Face* Welll, somebody's got a little temper.  Why don't you do me a
favor?  How 'bout...
*Red Frown* ...a career in home furnishings!
*Green Smiley* ...sticking your thumb up your ass?
*Red Poo* ...eating my doo-doo?
(More noises.)
Larry (into phone):
*Green Smiley* Yes, I know what a car crusher is, why?  Oh... Uh... Hrm.
I see.
*Red Frown* No, you wouldn't wanna do that to me!  I'm affable!
*Red Balls* My balls in a pickle jar?  No, I don't think I would like that...
*Red Frown* You're in town, here?  (to Analisa)  Oh, for God sakes, put
something on!
*Green Smiley* Oh!  And you're on campus right now!  I see.  (to Analisa)
Put your top on!
*Red Shocked Face* Y-you're here?  At school?  (to Analisa)  Be decent, woman!
Put some clothes on!
*Red Frown* Oh, no, I don't know why I said that, I'm here all by myself!
Nobody here but us chickens!
*Red Frown* No, I was talking to Dean Abrahamson.  Come now, Dean Abrahamson,
think of the children!
*Green Smiley* N-no, I wasn't talking to your daughter, sir.  I swear, I
never laid a hand on her!
(More noises.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Guys with...anti-aircraft guns?  Well.  I'd say that's a little
ostentatious...
*Green Smiley* Guys...with...bats?  Heheh...  Really?
*Red Frown* A Sherman Tank?  That seems a bit excessive...
*Red Frown* Come on, you're a guy, right?  You understand!  Let me do my
business and I'll bring her back to you in due time!
*Red Frown* Okay, how 'bout after I'm through with her, I bring her back to
the dorms for ya!
*Green Smiley* But I'll tell you what.  How 'bout I just bring her back to
the dorms for you.
*Red Frown* I'll make sure she's more than satisfied!
*Red Shocked Face* I'll be sure she's fully dressed!
*Green Smiley* Well, I could... help her pack!
*Red Frown* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!
*Red Money* Okay, how 'bout I give you my money and my car, and for my part,
I get outta your face.
*Green Smiley* Or I could drive the car around the block for you.  Y'know,
parking can be such a real hassle, sir... I--
*Red Sombrero* Okay, don't panic!  I know a guy in Tijuana.  He can give us
whole new faces and IDs!
*Red Frown* Let's get out of here!  Relocate to Toledo!  He'll never look
for us there!
*Green Smiley* Take the phone!  Run for you life!  Help me!  Tell him I'm
sorry!
Analisa:
*Success* Hurry, Larry!  I think that prick traced the call!  Let's get back
to your place!  He'll never think to look for us there.
*Failure 1* Good job, numbnuts.  Now he's really pissed.  Go ahead and get
the hell outta here.  I'll take the heat myself.  Jerkoff...
*Failure 2* All right, all right!  You done enough here.  Christ...
******************************************************************************
4. BARBARA JO
******************************************************************************
Named for her mother, Barbara Bimbo (from LSL2), this lady is the clear
defintion of the word "blonde".  Captain of the cheerleading squad, and
apparently had an operation to put the contents of her brain into her "pom
poms"...
============
4A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Barbara Jo in the sorority house.)
Larry's Pants: Awoooogah!  Babes, ahoy!  Check out the gazongas on this one!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Yeah, I noticed...
*Red Frown* Watch 'em bounce!
*Red Boobs* Oh, boy...  Are we gonna see some boobies?
Pants: Who's in charge, here?  All right, time to play it cool...  Act real
smooth!  Now, we need an opening line.  Ask her for her autograph...
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Why don't we write up a card that says "Do you like Larry?"
and she can check yes or no?
*Green Smiley* What, are you serious?
*Red Frown* Actually, I was thinking about organizing my Little Rascals
memorabilia collection today...
Pants: Just say it!
Larry:
*Red Balls* I got a few baseballs in the car.  Can you sign them for my son?
*Red Boobs* Would you sign my boobs?
*Green Smiley* Ahem.  (reciting) Can I have your autograph...
Barbara Jo: Why?
Pants: All right, tell the broad you thought she was Miss America...
Larry:
*Red Frown* You won for Best All-Girl Sex Scene at the AVNs last year, didn't
ya?  You and Geraldine McWhiskerbox were on-screen magic!
*Green Smiley* You are Miss America, aren't you?
*Red Frown* You placed second at the Westminster Dog Show last year, didn't
you?
Barbara Jo: Well, I was a semi-finalist for Majestic Little Miss Mendocino
in 1988.
Pants: Bingo!
Barbara Jo: I don't know, maybe you remember me from the football games?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* You play football?
*Red Frown* I prefer backgammon, it's a gentleman's sport...
*Red Maple Leaf* I only watch Canadian League Football, the sport of kings...
Pants: Are you serious?  You're killing me, here!
Barbara Jo: No!  I'm a cheerleader!
Larry:
*Red Lips* In high school, I led my cheerleading team to the US Spirit
National Championships!
*Green Smiley* I used to be a cheerleader in high school!
*Red Frown* I used to pretend I was a cheerleader at bachelor parties and
school events!
*Red Explosion* And then, one day, I was assaulted in the parking lot by
the team captain, and he said...
*Green Smiley* Then, one day, the team captain pulled me aside and said...
*Red Frown* And then, one day, the team captain accidentally hit me with his
car and he said to me...
*Red Brain* "I'm not the team captain, I'm the state-appointed psychologist!"
*Red Frown* "I'm not the team captain, I'm Ed Selmo, the janitor!"
*Green Smiley* "I'm not the team captain, I'm Frank Hannon's father!"
*Green Smiley* "And you're not a cheerleader!  You made that uniform you're
wearing out of napkins and paper towels and your pom-poms are two mop
heads.  Please leave the debate team alone.  They find your presence very
distracting."
*Red Scorpion* "Please don't let the school mascot out of his cage, again...
I told you this before: he's not a man in a costume, he's a wild animal!
Last time you let him loose, he ate a kid!"
*Red Frown* "But if you'd like to come back to my place, heheh, my wife's
outta town..."
Pants: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!  All right, move it on over!  I'm taking
control of this vessel!
Barbara Jo: Yeah right...  Anyway, you don't even know my name!
Pants (through Larry):
*Green Smiley* Okay, then, sweetheart, what's your name?
*Red Devil* You gotta name, little girl?
*Red Devil* Well, are you gonna tell me?
Barbara Jo: And why should I tell you?
Pants:
*Green Smiley* Wowie, wow, wow!  This kitten's got claws!
*Red Splat* 'Cause if you don't, I might just spit in your face!
*Red Devil* Hey, with a body like that, I don't care about your name!
*Red Boobs* Didn't your mama tell you you should never wear nothin' that
covers up that rack of yours?
*Red Butt* Hey, sweetie.  Anybody ever tell you you've got an ass a man
can eat off of?
*Green Smiley* You're a real barn-burner, kid!  Anyone ever tell you that?
Barbara Jo: Uh, I don't think so...
Pants:
*Green Smiley* Put that in writing and I'll paste it in my scrapbook!
*Red Devil* I don't care what you think.  Heck, I don't care IF you think!
*Red Devil* Somebody shoulda said somethin'!
*Green Smiley* You are one ripe tomato!
*Red Boobs* What a set of funbags you got on you!
*Red Butt* You got an ass that won't quit, honey!
*Green Smiley* I don't know about you, but I'm red hot and ready to moan
tonight!
*Red Devil* I have my court-ordered anger management counseling, tonight, but
after that, I'm free!
*Red Devil* Why dontcha meet me around seven outside the VD clinic?  I gotta
pick up some Condasil creme.
Barbara Jo: Yeah, that's great.  Good luck with that.  I'll be with my
boyfriend, Chet, tonight!
Pants:
*Green Smiley* That schmoe from Kokomo that works at that riki-tik rug joint
on Bob Balliban Boulevard?
*Red Devil* That hooch-hound Goldilocks workin' that hole in the wall on
Bob Balliban Boulevard?
*Red Devil* That half-hipped crumb workin' the hash house on Bob Balliban
Boulevard?
*Green Smiley* Let me wake you, kid.  He's Endsville!
*Red Devil* He oughtta have his wardrobe cleaned and burned!
*Red Devil* He ain't worth the powder it'd take to blow his nose!
*Red Devil* Spend some time with me, and you'll be hep to the jive!
*Green Smiley* Stick with me, baby.  I'm a real king bee!
*Red Devil* I'm high, wide, handsome, and lookin' for love!
Barbara Jo: Yeah, and why should I go anywhere with you?
Pants:
*Green Smiley* Whatsa matter?  You afraid you might like it?
*Red Devil* Oh yeah, you know you're gonna like it!
*Red Devil* What, you don't think you like it?
Barbara Jo: No, I know I'm not gonna like it!
Pants:
*Red Devil* Hey, don't knock it 'til you tried it twice!
*Red Devil* Hey, don't knock it 'til you tried it twice!
*Green Smiley* Hey, don't knock it 'til you tried it twice!
Barbara Jo:
*Success* Oh, all right.  So I admit this might be good for a laugh and a
half, but I'm calling the shots!
Pants: You snap the whip, I'll take the trip!
*Failure 1* Um, Wisconsin called?  They, like, want your cheesiness back?
*Failure 2* Oh my God!  Does that actually, like, work on anybody?
============
4B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry is in his room.)
Larry's Pants: Call her up!
(Larry dials.  Barbara Jo picks up her phone while in her room.)
Barbara Jo: Hello?  Hello??
Larry (in an odd fake voice):
*Green Smiley* Hello?  Barbara Jo?
*Red Frown* Yes, are you Barbara Jones?
*Red Frown* Um, is this Joe Barbera?
*Green Smiley* This is your boyfriend, Chet.
*Red Frown* This is Chet.  I have dialed you on the telephone.
*Red Frown* Hello.  I am Chet.  I am your boyfriend.
Barbara Jo: This doesn't sound like Chet.
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh, well, I have been diagnosed with psoriasis of the liver.
*Green Smiley* Yes.  It seems I've come down with a bit of a cold.
*Red Frown* Oh, I have an awful pain in my cervix.
*Red Frown* Cough. Cough.
*Green Smiley* Achoo.
*Red Frown* Ouch.
Barbara Jo: Ohhh, I'm so sorry to hear that, sweetie...  I was gonna go out
tonight.  I guess I won't see you at the club, then?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yes.  That sounds fun.
*Red Frown* The club?
*Green Smiley* Yes.  Perhaps.
Pants: You're blowin' it!
Larry:
*Red Frown* That doesn't seem like a good idea to me.
*Red Tombstone* You could be in grave danger.
*Green Smiley* Uh, no.  Don't go there.  I will not be there.
*Red Frown* In spite of what you hear from other people, the club is closed.
*Red Flag* Secret government agents have closed the club.
*Green Smiley* The club is closed tonight, so I will not be there.  Nor will
any other people be there.
*Red Frown* Due to mysterious circumstances...
*Green Smiley* Because the club is closed...
*Red Frown* Because something bad happened...
Barbara Jo: Seriously?  I didn't hear anything about that.  What's wrong?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* What's wrong?
*Red Frown* I don't know what's wrong!
*Red Frown* You don't know?
Pants: C'mon, c'mon!  Think of something!
Larry:
*Red Tombstone* I could tell you, but it would put you in grave danger.
*Green Smiley* I'm not allowed to tell you.  It is top secret.
*Red Frown* I'm sorry.  I have signed a confidentiality agreement.
Barbara Jo: C'mon, sweetie, you can tell me!
Pants: Line's gettin' tired.  Time to cut this one loose...
Larry:
*Red Frown* I called to tell you that I think you're a ninny.
*Green Smiley* I just called to say I don't love you.
*Red Lips* I called to say that I like to eat my own boogers.
Pants: Aaaand?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* And I'm engaging in sexual intercourse with your mother...
right now!  As we are talking on the telephone...
*Red Frown* And I'm engaging in sexual intercourse with... Dean Abrahamson...
right now!  As we are talking on the telephone...
*Red Frown* And I'm engaging in sexual intercourse with... Chet... right now!
As we are talking on the telephone...
*Red Frown* Hey!  That's not supposed to go in THEEERE...  Hmm...  Ooo...
Maybe it is...
*Green Smiley* Ha ha ha.  Oh, my.  We got a real hellcat in the sack, here!
*Red Tool* Put down that riding crop, you naughty, naughty thing!
Barbara Jo:
*Success* Oh, Chet!  How could you?  My friends warned me about you.  I hate
you forever!  Go to Hell!
Pants: Bingo!
*Failure 1* Um, I don't know who you are, but I'm gonna find out!  My daddy
is, like, the biggest lawyer in California and he's gonna totally sue you,
for, like, emotional distress or something!
*Failure 2* Listen, I don't know who this is, but if you call back here
again, I'm, like, gonna call the cops.
============
4C. Chat 3 =
============
(Larry is speaking to Barbara Jo in the sorority house.)
Larry: What's wrong?
Barbara Jo: Oh, Larry.  I'm, like, so mad right now, I don't know what to do!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Sucks to be you...
*Green Smiley* I'm sorry to hear that...
*Red Frown* Aww, too bad...
*Red Frown* But, hey, those are the breaks...
*Green Smiley* What happened?
*Red Brain* But, come on, what am I, your shrink?
Barbara Jo: It's my boyfriend, Larry.  Or should I say "ex-boyfriend"...
That total a-hole!  So, it turns out that call I got the other day was, like,
a total prank!  Ugh, whatever!  So, anyway, I confront Chet about it, and I
catch him in bed with Estelle Barfus!  Ugh!  Estelle Barfus!  Yuck!  Like,
it is SO over!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Did somebody touch you in your "no no" place?
*Red Frown* Barbara Jo, you sound angry.  After we're done here, I want you
to draw a poster or a picture that can remind you how to deal with your
anger, and we'll put it up in a place where you can see it.
*Green Smiley* Barbara Jo, you sound so full of anger.  Anger is only one
letter away from "danger"...
*Red Frown* If you need to, lay your head on my shoulder.  Talk to me!
*Green Smiley* Now, tell me what's wrong...
*Red Frown* It's okay.  Lean on me!  Tell me your problems!
Barbara Jo: Thanks, Larry, but I so do not wanna talk about it, right now...
and, no offense, Larry, but especially not with you...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Check this out, I stole it from the children's rec center...
*Red Frown* Well, maybe you'll talk to me if I had a friendly colorful hand
puppet that spoke with a cute high-pitched voice.  Well, looky here!
*Green Smiley* Well, if you don't want to talk to me, maybe you'll feel more
comfortable talking to my friend, here.  Timmy the Turtle!
(He pulls out a puppet of Timmy the Turtle.)
Timmy:
*Red Devil* Timmy can tell by the look in your eyes.  You need it real bad!
*Red Devil* Hmm, Barbara Jo.  You're lookin' all hot and bothered!
*Green Smiley* Hey, Barbara Jo!  You look sad!
*Red Devil* That makes Timmy horny...
*Green Smiley* Ohhh, that makes Timmy sad.  What's wrong, Barbara Jo?
*Red Devil* Why don't you bend over and Timmy will make it allll better!
Barbara Jo: Ugh.  You cannot be serious...
Timmy:
*Green Smiley* It's time to accept your feelings.  Say to yourself...
*Red Devil* I know what you're thinking...
*Red Devil* I look in your eyes, and they're saying to me...
*Red Lips* "I want Larry!  I need Larry!  I must have him now!"
*Red Devil* "I want Larry!  I need him!  I need him inside me!"
*Green Smiley* "I am sad.  I am frightened.  I am angry!"
*Green Smiley* It's all right to have feelings.  We all have feelings!  Even
turtles...
*Red Frown* All this is normal.  We all must learn how to deal with these
feelings.  This is part of growing up!
*Red Frown* Now, stop.  Count to ten.  Take a deeep breath (breathes) or
walk away until you've calmed down...
Barbara Jo: Yeah, "Timmy".  Whatever...
(Larry pulls another puppet out, this one, Rhonda the Rabbit.)
Rhonda:
*Red Devil* Barbara Jo is such a bitch!
*Green Smiley* I don't know Timmy.  Barbara Jo still looks sad!
*Red Wang* Barbara Jo is one horny cockslut!
Timmy:
*Red Devil* That's the way I like 'em!
*Green Smiley* She sure is, Rhonda!
*Red Devil* Just like your mother!
Rhonda:
*Red Frown* Maybe she could use a story to get her warmed up!
*Green Smiley* Y'know what helps me when I feel that way?  A story!
*Red Devil* Hey!  We could read her a story from Penthouse Forum!
Timmy:
*Green Smiley* Gee, Rhonda.  That's a super idea!
*Red Devil* That's the dirty girl I married!
*Red Devil* If I was anything else, I'd be the water in your bath!
Barbara Jo: Oooo!  A story!  Fun!
Timmy:
*Green Smiley* Hey, Rhonda!  You look sad!  What's wrong?
*Red Devil* Mmm, mmm, Rhonda!  Lookin' good!  What's happenin'?
*Red Devil* I can tell by lookin' at you, you need it reaaaal bad.  What's
your story?
Rhonda:
*Red Wang* I caught Eunice playing with Max's magic stick!
*Green Smiley* Yesterday on the playground, Max was playing Magic Sticks with
Eunice!
*Red Wang* I saw Max takin' out his magic sticks for Eunice!
Timmy:
*Red Devil* That low-down, no-good, two-timing dog!  But hey!
*Red Frown* Can you blame him?  Have you ever seen Eunice?
*Green Smiley* That doesn't sound so bad, Rhonda...
Barbara Jo: Oh my God!  I used to totally play that game!  Magic Sticks was,
like, so fun!
Rhonda:
*Red Devil* But Max is my one and only!
*Red Devil* But Max is my man!
*Green Smiley* But Max is my friend!
Timmy:
*Green Smiley* Well, I could be your friend, too, Rhonda!
*Red Devil* I wanna be more than a friend, mama!
*Red Devil* I'm gonna be the best friend you ever had, bitch!
*Red Lips* Why don't you come and have a lick on my titty!
*Green Smiley* Then we can play Magic Sticks!
*Red Devil* I'm gonna make you climb the walls!
Rhonda:
*Red Cuffs* Will you tie me up and blindfold me?
*Red Devil* Can you give it to me rough?
*Green Smiley* Really?  You'd be my friend?
Timmy:
*Red Devil* I'll do anything you desire, Barbara Jo...
*Green Smiley* Of course, Barbara J-- er, Rhonda!
*Red Devil* I like you, Barbara Jo...
Rhonda:
*Red Devil* Yippy skippy!  Let's do it!
*Red Devil* Yeah!  Let's go!
*Green Smiley* Neat-o!  That sounds like fun!
*Red Devil* Larry, should we go ask a teacher for sticks?
*Red Devil* But, Larry, we need sticks!
*Green Smiley* But, La-- er, Timmy.  Where are we going to find sticks?
Timmy (player voice):
*Red Wang* I got a magic stick in my pants, oh yeah...
*Red Wang* I got your magic stick, right here, baby...
*Green Smiley* I got the only magic stick you need, right here, baby...
(Larry makes the puppets go at it.)
Rhonda:
*Red Devil* Right there!  Don't stop!
*Red Devil* Oh yeah... That's it!
*Green Smiley* Ohhh, Timmy!!
Barbara Jo:
*Success* Hey!  That's not how you play Magic Sticks!  But... you've got me
so excited...  I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it!  Oh, hurry
Larry, hurry!
Pants: Bingo!
Barbara Jo: Let's play some Quarters!
Timmy and Rhonda (together?): Quarters?!
*Failure 1* Um, I think I'll leave you three alone...
*Failure 2* Larry, you are such a freak!
******************************************************************************
5. BEATRICE
******************************************************************************
Ah, the lure of the knockout college professor.  Beatrice is in charge of the
Human Sexuality course on campus.  She's a working woman, though, so it'll
take quite a bit to convince her of a little extra credit...
============
5A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Beatrice in her office.)
Beatrice: Yes, Larry?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Uh, Professor Robensenito, it's this test we just had.  I can
really use a passing grade...
*Red Brain* Well, my therapist says it's best I confront you face to face
with this.
*Red Frown* Y'know, you'd be pretty hot if you lost the glasses.  Maybe a few
pounds.  Just my opinion.  Anyway...
*Green Smiley* Did you know I've been in college for seven years?
*Red Drunk Face* Now I've had six, seven, cocktails...
*Red Frown* I've already masturbated, oh, six, seven times today...
*Red Frown* All right, more than that...
*Green Smiley* Actually, I'm not really sure anymore.  I kinda lost count.
*Red Frown* Give or take a few zeros...
Beatrice: And your point being?  Larry, this is your fifth semester of
"Human Sexuality" in two years, and while I admit I find your presence in
class amusing, I'm beginning to think you're failing this course on purpose.
What, if anything, have you learned, this semester?
Larry:
*Red Condom* The only thing I remember was you putting the condom on the
cucumber.
*Green Smiley* I liked it when you put the condom on the cucumber!
*Red Frown* That old Vaudeville routine with the condom on the cucumber!
*Green Smiley* It was funny and informative!
*Red Frown* I sent that footage I taped to America's Funniest Home Videos,
but apparently, if there's not a cat falling off a TV in it, Saget ain't
gonna air it...
*Red Frown* You mind if I steal your act for the school talent show?  Oh,
boy, it'll have 'em rollin' in the aisles!
Beatrice: It wasn't supposed to be funny, Larry.  May I point out, that you
were the only one that laughed?  You laugh every time I use the words
"penis", or "buttocks", or "ejaculate"...
Larry:
*Red Butt* Hee hee, you said butt!
*Red Wang* Hee hee hee hee, penis!
*Green Smiley* Hee hee hee hee hee!
Beatrice: (sigh)  Larry, what did we learn about birth control from my
condom demonstration?
Larry:
*Red Frown* I found it poignant...
*Red Frown* Oh, it was introspective...
*Green Smiley* It was funny...
*Red Frown* ...and irksome...
*Green Smiley* ...and informative...
*Red Frown* ...and gregarious...
*Red Wang* ...and it definitely gave me a boner!
*Green Smiley* ...and sexy!
*Red Money* ...and, unlike the nudie bar, I didn't have to pay twenty-five
dollars to watch!
Beatrice: (sigh)  Larry.  I demonstrated placing the condom on the cucumber
in order to teach the class how to prevent...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Prevent eating cucumbers, because... they taste so bad!
*Red Explosion* Did you steal that routine from Gallagher?
*Red Condom* Do they make condoms for carrots, too?
Beatrice: That's very funny, I'm sure.  Larry, I'm gonna suggest that perhaps
you take another course to fulfill your science requirement.  Might I suggest
"Introduction to the Honeybee and Beekeeping", or "Poultry Seminar", or
"Insects and People".
Larry:
*Red Boobs* Are there boobies in the textbooks for those classes, too?
*Green Smiley* Do you teach those classes, too?
*Red Frown* Those classes are about sex, too, right?
Beatrice: (sigh)  No, Larry, those courses are taught by the director of
the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, Professor Corey.
Larry:
*Red Frown* Since it's pretty obvious I'm getting nowhere with you, do you
think Professor Corey will go for me?
*Green Smiley* Is she as pretty as you?
*Red Boobs* Are Professor Corey's boobies as big as yours?
Beatrice: Professor Corey is sixty-three years old, Larry, and HE is
married, as am I!
*Red Frown* Wow!  I thought you were fifty-seven, tops!
*Green Smiley* You're sixty-three years old?
*Red Frown* That's okay!  You still look good, for your age!
Beatrice:
*Success* What?!  No, I'm not sixty-three years old!  (sigh)  Now, listen
Larry, it's become abundantly clear to me that I'm not going to rid myself
of you anytime soon.  So, perhaps you could assist me in the lab for some
extra credit.  Let's see if we can boost that grade to a solid D minus.
Whaddaya say?  You can start by feeding the monkeys.  They're in the other
room.
*Failure 1* Larry, if you don't mind, I have a lot of work to attend to.
*Failure 2* Larry, if you'd like to set up a meeting, would you please sign
your name on the list taped up to my door, as I've instructed the class to
do on numerous occasions this semester?
============
5B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry and Beatrice are in the lab.  Leopold is in his cage, stroking away.)
Beatrice: Hello, Larry, and how are you and Leopold getting along?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Just fine, I guess...
*Red Frown* Man, look at him go!
*Red Frown* Leopold!  Oh, man, and I thought I masturbated a lot!
Beatrice: Thaaaat's great.  Just great.  (phone rings)  Oh, if you'll excuse
me, Larry, I've got a phone call from my husband.  (picks up phone)  Hello,
honey! .... What? .... Her!? ....  No!  You can't do this to me!  I... hope
you get anally fisted by a gorilla, you bastard!  (hangs up)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Well, sounds like you're on the market again...
*Green Smiley* Whoa... You really gave it to him!
*Red Frown* What's got your panties in a twist, now?
Beatrice: (sobs) What's with you men?  What do we have to do, to please you?
Larry:
*Red Frown* You just need to sex it up a little bit, y'know?  Maybe undo a
button on your blouse, or get a new haircut!
*Red Dildo* Well, when the romance heads south, there's no problem a little
role-playing and a twelve-inch dildo can't solve...
*Green Smiley* Well, I've always liked strawberry topping...
Beatrice: Larry, listen to me!  I've put nine long years of my life into this
relationship, and that son of a bitch up and leaves for that FAT WHORE!!
who works at Kenny's Shoes!  I'm thirty-six years old, I want a child, Larry,
a child!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Might wanna prepare yourself...
*Red Frown* Well, okay!  You wanna do this right here?
*Green Smiley* Well, that's my cue...
Beatrice: Oh, dear God....... (faints)
Leopold (from his cage): Ah, my time to strike has arrived!  She is sensitive!
She is vulnerable!  Now, the flowers and fruits of love shall ripen and
bloom!  She shall be my bride!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Uh, what was that, Professor Robensenito?
*Red Frown* So, are we just gonna do this on the floor?
*Red Frown* Yes, it is magnificent, isn't it...
Leopold: Oh, NO!  The boy understands!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Tired you already, did I?
*Green Smiley* Understands what?
*Red Frown* This isn't very romantic...
Leopold: Turn around, you fool!  Face me!
Larry:
*Red Drunk Face* Okay, it's definitely time I stopped drinking paint...
*Green Smiley* Where's that voice coming from?
*Red Ape-man* Charlton Heston was right!
Leopold: You will never have her!  Five years I've waited patiently!  Rosebud
lips.  And eyes like airbells bathed in dew!  Cheek, that with carnish
envibes!  The music breathing from her face!  Oh, how it makes my heart run
wild!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yeah, get in line, pal...
*Green Smiley* You really love her, don't you?
*Red Frown* Sorry, man, I don't think she's into guys...
Leopold: I want to inspire lust in that beautiful complex woman, exploring
the sacred mysteries of her body!  Oh, she will kneel on bended knee, and
behold the majesty of my stiff ramrod, jutting from my over-bountious
balls!  And she will take it with firm hand, and stroke, and stroke, until
I unload a glut of hot, spewmy seed all over her!
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Heheh.  You talk even funnier than the Professor!